Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
