Jerry, you need to find god
my phone needs a breathalizer
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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