Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
