the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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