my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
not ubering you a puppy
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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