Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
