I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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