You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
