But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How does it feel to date your dad?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
