Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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