I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
