i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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