I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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