I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
