My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize