Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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