so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
