Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
