So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
