I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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