New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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