You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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