After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize