sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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