She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
3pm strippers are depressing
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
