please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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