i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
