I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
