we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize