it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Found the puke drawer
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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