Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
