I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
