he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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