his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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