May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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