yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
