I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
worst night to have a conscience
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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