Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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