So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
