Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
