If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
