My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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