we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
