I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
