That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
