Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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