i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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