You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Every concussion has its silver lining
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
