I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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