I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
