so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
