According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
