I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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