genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
