If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize