when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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