I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
God, I missed his penis.
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