Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
