Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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