I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
