Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
