We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ketchup is God's man juice
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
